Portrait of a Soul

I have a large painting hanging in my closet. It is a one of a kind, painted for me. Not somewhere you’d think to hang a beautiful painting–a closet. But this painting is sacred to me and sometimes sacred things are not meant to be shared. It is a painting of my soul.

Okay–I know, I know. Stay with me here. Though I like to think of myself as a fairly spiritual person, I am not actively religious. And while I try to stay open minded, I would say I err on the side of science versus woo-woo. But I also don’t think science and spirituality are necessarily at odds with each other and spirituality doesn’t always equate with woo-woo. It’s a fine line though. Which is why the painting is in my closet. I know it might not be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s just fine. But for me–it resonates.

The painter of said soul portrait is award winning artist, Jenny Mayor.

I became acquainted with Jenny when she delivered my soul portrait to me in California, commissioned by my ex-husband at the end of our marriage. Again, stay with me here. Given the state of our marriage at the time, you wouldn’t think I would be open to receiving a gift like this from him. We were officially in “the end of times.” But sometimes important people and meaningful gifts come into our lives in unexpected ways. And when I saw the painting and heard about her experience of painting it, I received it with gratitude and an open heart.

You can read about Jenny’s artistic process at the bottom of this post in the slideshow of her art. Jenny is not only an artist. She is also a yoga teacher who specializes in teaching people how to calm their nervous systems through gentle yoga and breathing techniques. She has an uncanny intuitive gift and she ended up being an important part of my village as I navigated the stormy waters of divorce.

Jenny told me to take time everyday to look at the portrait and let it help me reconnect, heal, and remind me who I am at my core. Call it art therapy. I can’t say that I do this everyday, but I try to reflect on it frequently, especially when I feel disconnected or discouraged. If I am away from home and feeling disheartened, I think about it in my mind. And it helps.

The painting portrays my soul in the center, surrounded by a protective sphere of light. I am headed directly into what looks like a swirling, fiery nebula. But as I enter the fire, it transforms around and behind me into dramatic blues and greens and coppers and white crystals (there are literally crystals embedded in the canvas). When Jenny gave me the painting, she pointed out that there is a delicate line of silvery blue that trails off behind my soul, woven into the surrounding brilliance. She explained the significance of this feature, saying that I leave a little part of myself wherever I go and with people whose lives I touch. No wonder I’m tired! Seriously though, it really has been an incredible, healing gift.

Expect the Unexpected

When I started this blog, I thought I was at a stage in my life where I was beyond comparing myself to others or caring too much about what people think. I was just beginning my new marriage to Stephen. We were beginning to blend a family. I was basking in my second chance, full of confidence.

On cue–life has a way of keeping us humble. Just when you think you have mastered a life lesson, the Universe shows you there is a whole next level. The theme for this blog came full circle for me–

If there is one thing the last several years have taught me, it’s that life is about second chances. Every day, every moment, every interaction, every breath is an opportunity to begin again.

Beginning Again

Allow me to explain.

When I started this blog, my goal was not to be an “influencer” or to amass a large following on social media. My main goal was to practice writing in the form of sharing some of the wisdom I have collected during my half century of life, including 20 something years as a nurse and mother. I come from a family of musicians and artists on my mother’s side and writing is my way of staying connected to my artsy self (my work life is very secular and serious, like of the life and death variety).

Also, I think art (writing, painting, film, photography, etc) can touch people’s hearts and minds in ways that news or information sometimes can’t. It can evoke compassion, help people understand someone else’s point of view, increase awareness. I think our world needs artists who create from the bravest parts of their hearts.

Writing a blog was not an easy venture for me. The writing part was fun; it’s been a hobby of mine since I first put pen to journal at eight years old. But the vulnerability of clicking “publish” was very hard. I am an extremely private person. Why then, you ask, would I publish my thoughts for all to read? Because I believe in bravery and the value of doing hard things. Because I’ve noticed that people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and feelings are the people (authors, public figures, friends, loved ones) who have helped me most. Also, because I had let several confidants read excerpts of my writing and they told me that the world needed my particular wisdom. And lastly, because I try to live by Ralph Waldo Emerson’s mantra–

“…*to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.*
*This is to have succeeded.”*

So, I looked at the painting of my soul headed straight into the fiery nebula and I clicked publish.

I am happy to report that the feedback has been positive. Several people have told me that the articles have really helped them. People have shared that the Introvert/Extrovert article helped them understand themselves or a loved one better in a way that improved their relationship or helped them set healthier boundaries. The Ironman Race Report was one of the first search results when you googled Ironman Arizona. The article Does My Baby Have Colic? resonated deeply with a friend of mine who was knee deep in discouragement with her high need baby. I have had people from over 22 countries visit the blog, with over 3,600 pageviews. It’s not record breaking, but it’s not nothing. I was building momentum. I was feeling encouraged. Until.

I got wind of one critical voice.
It wasn’t criticism about my writing. It wasn’t criticism about my advice. It wasn’t criticism of my hair or my outfit or my swim stroke and believe me, there’s room for criticism there. It was criticism of my *intention*. And it came from someone I care about. Ouch.
I stopped writing. I stopped posting on social media to promote the blog. The ideas stopped flowing. Traffic to the site started slowing.

Look, I don’t claim to be an expert in much. Nurses can claim some level of expertise in general health and in their area of skill, but I am not a doctor. I am not a professional athlete or a dietician or a psychologist. What I am is an expert at making mistakes, getting discouraged, feeling overwhelmed, saying the wrong thing. Hence the preference for writing–it gives me time to revise what I’m trying to say before I say it. I am an expert in learning things the hard way and I am an expert at beginning again.

I thought about quitting the blog. I definitely don’t feel like posting about it on social media again. But the painting of my soul does not show me turning sideways away from the fire. It has me heading straight on into the swirling, fiery nebula.

I do care what people think, especially the people I know and love. However, I can’t let what other people think paralyze me. I can’t try to be something I’m not in an attempt to make them like me better or to avoid being judged. I have to listen to my heart. I have to be myself.

I don’t want to be an “influencer.” I don’t know if anything will come of my writing. All I know is that writing calls to my soul and my soul can handle the fire. So I am going to stick to Emerson’s philosophy–

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden, a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I started a garden (more to come on that). I am writing again. I am doing my best to show love while at the same time not comparing myself to others or letting what others think cripple or distort my intention. My intention is to follow my heart and–*to leave the world a bit better.*

I stand by my blog’s theme–

If there is one thing the last several years have taught me, it’s that life is about second chances. Every day, every moment, every interaction, every breath is an opportunity to begin again.

And so. I begin again.

I am renaming the blog—Begin Again. Because for real, I have to do it every day, every moment. Yes, even every breath sometimes. And if one life breathes easier because of something I have written, I have succeeded.

💕Melanie

P.S. Scroll down to see more of Jenny’s artwork and to read about her process. If you are interested in a remote yoga/breath work session with Jenny or a soul painting, contact her at—